Kimberly Schildbach Therapy
Online Couples Therapy and Discernment Counseling in Washington, Massachusetts, Connecticut, & Florida.
Boston Couples Therapy for High-Conflict Relationships
Specialized, proven Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) for couples whose conversations suddenly turn into fights they never saw coming.
When the Same Fights Keeps Taking Over and You Want Them To Stop
Does this sound like you?
The arguments escalate before you even realize what’s happening. Later you replay the moment in your head and think, That’s not how I want to be with the person I love.
You start wondering if something about the relationship itself is broken because the two of you seem to wound each other more often than you comfort each other - even though there is real love, history, and attachment underneath the conflict.
Part of you longs for closeness while another part braces for impact. One of you reaches harder, the other backs away, and suddenly you’re right back in the kind of blow-up you both swore wouldn’t happen again.
And what scares you isn’t just how intense the fights get. It’s the distance that follows. The silence, the shutdown, the feeling that the gap between you keeps growing. What you want most is a real way to stop the spiral before it takes over again.
If this is your story, you’re in the right place. Specialized couples therapy helps you face what’s been pulling you apart so you can build something stronger together.
When Everything Turns Into the Same Fight
Many couples who come to see me feel like every conversation ends the same way. Something small happens - a tone, a look, a sigh, a forgotten text. And suddenly it pops off. In that moment, something inside you makes meaning very quickly.He doesn’t care. She’s never there for me.
We’re never going to get this right.
Once that meaning lands, fear creeps in. And instead of sharing the fear, we protect ourselves. Some people pursue - they push, question, demand, argue their corner. Others retreat - they shut down, go quiet, or walk away.
Both reactions make sense. Both are ways of protecting yourself.
But once the pursue–retreat pattern gets going, the conversation stops being about the original issue. The fight becomes about the fight. And that’s exhausting for both of you.
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What the Fighting Is Really About
Those reactions - the pursuing, the retreating - tell us something important. But they don’t tell us everything. Because underneath the fight is usually something much more vulnerable: loneliness, hurt, the fear of never getting it right, the fear that the person you love might not really be there for you anymore
You might even wonder quietly: What kind of person am I when I get angry this quickly? Do they still care about me? Are we actually going to make it?
These are hard things to say out loud. So they rarely come out in the moment.
Instead, the cycle keeps repeating. This is exactly where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is so powerful and proven to help.
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Going to the Heart of the Moment
In EFT, we slow those moments down and go right to the heart of what’s happening. We look at the trigger. The meaning you made.
And what you did to protect yourself once the emotion hit. My job is to help both of you begin to access your inner world - and befriend it.
(And yes, if you breathe, you are emotional. All humans are. That doesn’t mean everyone expresses emotion the same way. We stay authentic to how you experience and show your feelings.) Together we distill what’s happening inside and help you put it into words. Not the blaming words. Not the defensive words. The real ones that invite your partner close, because they do care.
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Learning to Share What’s Hard to Say
In session, we work toward sharing those deeper fears and worries in a way your partner can actually hear. When that happens, something shifts.
Instead of bracing themselves for another fight, your partner’s defenses soften.
They start to recognize you again - the person they fell in love with. And that recognition naturally pulls people closer. This is one of the beautiful parts of EFT. We don’t just talk about change - we experience it together in the room.
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When Curiosity Comes Back
Once couples start seeing the tenderness underneath the conflict, something else begins to happen.Curiosity returns. You want to understand your partner again. You become more flexible in how you respond. You want to care for their tender spots. Not because someone told you to communicate better, but because now you know there is something precious underneath the conflict.
And once you see that tenderness, most people want to protect it.
That’s where real change in a relationship begins.
This Isn’t the End. It’s the Beginning of Doing Love Differently
Couples Therapy for High-Conflict Couples in Boston, Massachusetts
Is it high-conflict or is it abuse?
Online Couples Therapy for High-Conflict in Boston and all across Massachusetts, Connecticut, Washington, and Florida.
High-conflict couples have frequent, intense disagreements - but both partners still have a voice, even when communication has gotten painfully hard. These relationships are often caught in cycles of arguing, defensiveness, reactivity, and sometimes behaviors that feel out of control. Yet underneath all of that, there is still a mutual desire to repair.
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When I sit with a couple like this, I can feel the warmth between them - the longing to reach each other again. That felt sense of care is how I know I’m working with high-conflict, not abuse.
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Abuse is different. Abuse is ice-cold. It involves a clear power imbalance in which one partner uses fear, intimidation, or harm to control the other - emotionally, physically, financially, or psychologically. In those relationships, traditional couples therapy is not appropriate. Conflict, even when loud and messy, can be worked through. Abuse requires a different path - one focused first on safety and well-being.
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If you think what you’re experiencing may be abuse, you don’t have to figure that out alone. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for confidential support.
Frequently Asked Questions about High Conflict Couples Counseling in Boston and all of Massachusetts, Connecticut, Washington, and Florida
Do you work with couples who’ve experienced yelling, aggression, or even physical conflict?
Yes. I specialize in working with couples who feel overwhelmed by emotion and caught in destructive cycles - but still want to hold on to each other. Many of my clients are dealing with what’s called situational couple violence - where things have escalated during intense moments of disconnection, but there’s no ongoing pattern of control or fear. If you're both committed to safety and willing to slow things down, we can work together.
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Is this abuse? Or just conflict gone too far?
Abuse is when one person holds the power - when one partner lives in fear, silences themselves, or walks on eggshells to avoid punishment. High conflict is different. You’re both in pain. You both act out. You’re trying to stay connected, but the way you’re doing it is hurting you both.
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What if I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted?
That means you're a good human who knows they've done something out of their value system. I work with people who have said or done things they never thought they would. Together, we’ll understand what drove those moments.
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What makes your approach different for high-conflict couples?
I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an evidence-based approach grounded in attachment theory. We don’t just talk about what happened - we get underneath the conflict. I help you both understand the raw spots, the panic, the triggers, and the desperate strategies that get you stuck. Instead of fighting against each other, we start fighting for the connection you're both trying to protect.
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Will you judge us for what’s happened?
No. What I see - over and over - is that aggression often comes from a place of heartbreak and fear. That doesn’t make it acceptable. But it does mean there’s room for compassion, accountability, and healing. You’re not broken. You’re likely trying to protect the most important relationship in your life with the only tools you’ve had. I understand that not everyone gets loving templates from their family of origin to rely on in their adult relationships.
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Can couples therapy really help if we’ve already crossed a line?
If there’s no ongoing pattern of fear, coercion, or domination—and both partners are willing to show up, take responsibility, and commit to change—then yes, therapy can absolutely help. I've worked with couples who thought their relationship was unsalvageable, only to discover a path forward once they understood the deeper story beneath their reactions.
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Can couples therapy help after domestic violence or abuse?
Sometimes, yes - but not always. I don’t offer couples therapy when there’s ongoing coercion, stalking, or fear for safety. But many couples come to me after mutual escalation, where there’s been shouting, slamming doors, threats, or even physical aggression - and both partners are motivated to repair and grow. If you're both open to accountability and change, I offer a clear and structured path forward.
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I hit my partner once. Does that mean I’m abusive?
Not necessarily. It does mean something important happened - and we need to talk about it. Many people feel shocked and ashamed after a moment of violence, especially if it comes on quick and they don't know what was happening on the inside when they lashed out. Our work will help you put words to what happens inside so you can start to understand yourself and your reactions before they get out of control. ​