When Sexual Behavior Causes Harm - How Couples Can Find Healing
For the partner who kept secrets
You might feel like you’ve ruined everything - that no matter what you do now, you’ll always be seen as the person who broke the relationship.
For the partner who discovered the truth
You might feel like your entire past just got rewritten, and you don’t know which memories were real and which were lies.
For the partner in shock
You might feel like you’re living in two worlds—one where you still love them, and one where you don’t recognize the person beside you.
For both of you
You might feel like every conversation turns into a shame or pain spiral. You've both never felt so alone.
Couples therapy is just the right medicine you need to start healing.
How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Helps Couples Heal After Disclosure
Out-of-control sexual behavior, porn use, and sex addiction damage relationships because they pull the relationship out of its proper role. Instead of turning toward the bond for comfort, closeness, and regulation, one partner turns away.
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So one of you has your heart on the table. The other has a Plan B.
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That one-sidedness is profoundly disturbing to the attachment system. A primary relationship cannot feel safe when only one person is fully emotionally invested. Attachment science is unequivocal here: when the bond feels threatened in this way, the nervous system reacts. Strongly. Protest, anger, panic, hypervigilance, obsessive thinking, emotional flooding - behaviors that make people say, “I don’t recognize myself anymore.” This is a normal response to an attachment injury.
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What feels “crazy” is often the body trying desperately to restore safety in a bond that no longer feels mutual.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) works because it treats this as the core problem. Not a communication issue. Not a willpower issue. Not a lack of insight. EFT understands that healing requires restoring the relationship as the primary emotional bond—where both partners turn toward each other, especially under stress.
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For the partner whose heart is still on the table - who hasn’t turned away from the relationship - EFT helps you share your pain in a way your partner can finally hear and respond to, in a way that truly invites connection. Our work will also center on allowing your pain to be seen by your partner, and on helping your partner let that pain wash through them so they can respond from a place of real empathy and understanding for the hurt they have caused you. That’s when forgiveness becomes genuine. And for the partner who has relied on a Plan B - on secrecy, distance, or something outside the relationship to cope - I help you be honest and accountable while also finding ways to make friends with your inner world, to share that with your partner, and to “turning-out-proof” your partnership with this thing we call relational coping. So when the tides of life hit, you turn toward your partner for the support you need - rather than disappearing from the relationship.
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And in time and with safety we will gently examine old sexual scripts shaped by performance, pressure, or avoidance, and begin to co-create a sexual connection that feels emotionally safe for both of you
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EFT doesn’t ask couples to white-knuckle their way through betrayal. It offers a clear, evidence-based path to healing the bond that was broken. When both partners put their hearts back on the table - and the relationship becomes the place they turn first - lasting change becomes possible.
When You’re Not Sure You Can Stay - How A Special Service Called Discernment Counseling Helps
After out-of-control sexual behavior comes to light, many couples find themselves in a painful in-between space.
One partner may still want to try to repair the relationship.
The other may feel exhausted, unsure, or already leaning toward leaving.
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Discernment Counseling is designed specifically for couples who are unsure whether to stay together or separate. It is not traditional couples therapy. In fact, couples therapy at this time (when one partner is unsure) can be more damaging and frustrating.
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Discernment Counseling is a structured, time-limited (usually 1–5 sessions) process that helps you slow everything down and make a thoughtful decision about next steps for your relationship.
For some couples, discernment opens the door to rebuilding.
For others, it creates a way to separate with honesty and understanding.
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Please see my Discernment Counseling page for more information.
FAQs about Couples Therapy for Porn and Sex Addiction
“Sex Addiction”? Compulsive Sexual Behaviors? Sexually Problematic Behaviors? What’s the Difference?
The American Psychiatric Association does not recognize sex addiction as an official diagnosis in the DSM-5. But that doesn’t mean the pain, secrecy, or relationship distress that can come with compulsive or problematic sexual behavior isn’t real.
People use different language - sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, porn addiction, sexually problematic behaviors - to describe similar experiences: a repeated pattern of sexual behavior that feels out of control, often causes emotional harm, and leads to broken trust in relationships.
Sexuality is deeply personal. What one person (or couple) sees as acceptable, another may find deeply hurtful. That complexity is part of what makes this such a sensitive and painful issue for many couples. I help you move beyond the label and toward real, compassionate understanding and healing.
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Do I need to be in individual therapy before starting couples therapy for sex addiction or compulsive sexual behaviors?
Not necessarily. However, it’s often incredibly helpful when the partner who’s struggling with sexually compulsive behavior, sex addiction, or excessive porn use is already in individual therapy - or has recently completed it.
Why? Because this therapy space is centered on your relationship. It’s not a substitute for individual work. In couples therapy, we focus on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and helping both partners make sense of what happened. That work is often more effective when each person has the support they need - especially the partner doing deep work on behavior change.
Not sure if this applies to you yet? I’m happy to talk it through with you.
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Can couples therapy really help with sex addiction or sexually problematic behaviors?
Yes - couples therapy can be a powerful part of healing from sex addiction, compulsive sexual behaviors, or other problematic sexual patterns. While individual therapy focuses on personal insight and behavior change, couples therapy focuses on the relationship impact: broken trust, emotional pain, fear, and the desire to reconnect.
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Is watching too much porn the same as sex addiction?
Not always. Excessive pornography use can be one form of compulsive or problematic sexual behavior, but not everyone who uses porn heavily meets the criteria for what some call sex addiction.
The key questions are: Is the behavior feeling out of control? Is it creating distress, secrecy, or harm in your relationship or life? Are you turning toward porn instead of turning toward your partner?
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Is therapy for sex addiction only for heterosexual couples or men?
Absolutely not. People of all genders and sexual orientations struggle with compulsive or problematic sexual behavior. I work with all couples - including queer, non-monogamous, and LGBTQIA+ partners - who are navigating these challenges together.
This space is built on respect, nuance, and the understanding that sexuality is complex. Whatever your identity or background, if you’re seeking help and healing, you are welcome here.
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I’m afraid I’ll be blamed or shamed in couples therapy. Will I?
No. That’s not how I work.
You’re not here to be shamed. You’re here because something important in your relationship is hurting - and because you care enough to face it.
In our work together, we make space for everyone’s pain - including yours. The goal isn’t to label you or pick apart your past. The goal is to understand what happened, why it happened, and what healing looks like for you and your partner.
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What if I don’t even know why I did what I did?
That’s more common than you think.
Many people who struggle with porn use, compulsive sexual behaviors, or secrecy in relationships don’t fully understand their own patterns yet. That’s okay. Couples therapy isn’t about having all the answers - it’s about creating a space where real understanding can start.
We work together to slow things down, bring compassion into the room, and begin to untangle what’s been driving the behavior - without shame (and if shame comes we'll explore that too.)
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I’ve already stopped the behavior. Why do we need therapy now?
Stopping the behavior can be a powerful first step - but repair takes more than that.
Couples therapy helps both of you make sense of the pain, rebuild emotional safety, and move forward with more honesty, clarity, and connection. It’s not just about what stopped - it’s about what needs to grow.
If you're committed to staying together, therapy gives you tools to actually heal - not just move on and hope it gets better.
And not all couples require 100% abstinence (depending on what the behavior is) but all couples do need honesty and a commitment to stopping relationship injuries.
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Is this therapy just going to focus on what I did wrong?
Yes, we’ll talk about the impact of your behavior. But we’ll also talk about your experiences, your shame, your fears, and your hopes. You’re not a villain in this room. You’re a human being with a story - and I care about that story.
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Can I still come to couples therapy if I don’t think I have “sex addiction”?
Absolutely.
Many people who seek couples therapy around sexual issues don’t relate to the label “sex addiction”—and that’s completely fine. I don’t require a diagnosis or a certain way of seeing things.
Whether you see it as porn overuse, infidelity, secrecy, or something else - what matters is the impact it’s had on your relationship, and the commitment to do something different. That’s enough.
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What if I’m scared this will make things worse?
Conversations like these are hard. But not having them often causes even more pain. Secrets always come out (trust me!) Couples therapy gives you both a structured, supportive space to talk honestly and safely - with help.
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