When You're Unsure—and Each of you Wants Something Different
Right now, you’re caught in a painful in-between.
One of you is ready to dive in and fix the marriage. You just need a way forward.
One of you is leaning out, unsure if the relationship can be saved. Maybe you’ve already filed for divorce, or separation feels like the only option.
Neither of you wants to spend months in therapy if it’s not going to lead to real change. You both need clarity about whether this relationship can be saved.
You need a trained professional to help you sort it all out. Traditional couples therapy isn’t designed for this kind of uncertainty—but Discernment Counseling is.
Considering divorce or breaking-up, but unsure if it's the right move? Let’s navigate the uncertainty together and find the clarity you need for one of the biggest decisions of your life.
Discernment counseling is a limited, up-to-five-session process (ending when you've both come to a decision) that meets you where you're at and helps you move forward. You don’t want to muddle through months of couples therapy when one or both of you aren’t sure, but you also don’t want to break up and have regrets. It’s about finding the path that’s right for both of you, knowing you’ve put in the work so your decision is clear.
Discernment Counseling helps you find a greater understanding of what is happening and has happened in your relationship, your contributions to the patterns that have been unsatisfying, and a clear direction you would like your relationship to take.
Discernment Counseling is not Couples Therapy—it is a structured process to help you decide.
The goal is not to fix your marital issues but to determine if they can be resolved—no blame, no judgment, just clarity on what you decide.
In discernment counseling, the three possibilities that you might choose are:
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Do nothing/continue as you've been - you both decide to neither divorce or separate nor work on your partnership through couples therapy.
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Divorce or break up - You agree as a couple that divorce or breaking up is the most appropriate option and begin to move forward with clarity and confidence
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Commitment to healing the relationship for the next six months—both partners agree to take divorce or breakup off the table and fully dedicate themselves to six months of couples therapy (with me or another therapist). This means 100% total, unwavering commitment to your relationship and the work of repairing it. Therapy will follow a clear agenda, with specific goals for each partner’s personal growth.
Each partner commits to one session at a time. After each session, you both decide where you stand and whether you’d like to continue.
How does Discernment Counseling work?
Discernment counseling only requires both of you to commit to the first 2-hour session to explore your options.
Discernment counseling is a structured, step-by-step process where you commit to one session at a time. This allows you to carefully explore your feelings and options without long-term pressure, making informed decisions as you go.
The first session is 2 hours long, providing us with ample time to fully explore your relationship, understand each partner's perspective, and begin clarifying your next steps.
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Couples time (35 minutes): During our initial session, we’ll create a safe space for both partners to share their thoughts and feelings openly. We’ll explore key aspects such as the best moments in your relationship, each partner’s concerns about separation, and how this might affect children or your broader lives. We’ll also discuss what it might look like to either separate or work on rebuilding trust. This meeting isn’t about solving problems, but about gaining clarity on what each potential path—working on the relationship, separating, or maintaining the status quo—might entail.
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Individual time (35 minutes each): In the second part of our initial meeting, I’ll meet with each partner individually for 35 minutes. This time is invaluable, allowing each person to speak openly about their feelings, concerns, and desires without the influence of the other partner’s perspective. It provides an opportunity to gain clarity on what you truly want—whether that’s working to repair the relationship or considering separation. We’ll focus on understanding the pain you're experiencing while fostering an honest conversation about how both of you may have contributed to the current challenges. This process is essential, whether you decide to stay together or separate, as it helps uncover the deeper dynamics at play. If separation is the outcome, understanding your part in the relationship’s struggles will provide valuable insight for possible future relationships.
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Reflection (5-10 minutes): At the end of each individual session, both partners will come back together briefly to share what they’ve learned from their conversations with me. During this time, the other partner listens without responding, allowing the speaker to share their insights without interruption.
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Ending (5-10 minutes): In the final 10 minutes or so, I’ll provide feedback and share my observations, followed by a discussion of the next steps. We’ll reflect on what you’ve learned and decide together whether to end the process or schedule another session (up to 5). Ultimately, the decision is yours, based on what feels right for both of you moving forward.
Discernment Counseling Is a Good Fit If…
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Either partner is unsure – When one partner is leaning out of the relationship while the other wants to stay, discernment counseling provides a structured space to explore options.
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Clarity before commitment – Instead of rushing into therapy or divorce, couples gain a deeper understanding of their issues and whether they can be resolved.
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No pressure to fix or end – The goal isn’t to solve marital problems but to determine if they can be solved.
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Guided by an expert – A trained discernment counselor helps you navigate the process with structure, not judgment.
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Time-limited approach – With a maximum of five sessions, it’s a focused way to make a thoughtful, informed decision.
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Personal and relational insight – Even if the couple ultimately separates, both partners gain a clearer understanding of their relationship patterns and how they arrived at this point.
Discernment Counseling Is Not a Good Fit If…
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One partner has already made a final decision to divorce – If a spouse is fully committed to leaving, discernment counseling isn’t necessary. Individual therapy for each partner is more appropriate.
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Coercion is involved – If one partner is pressuring the other to participate, the process won’t be effective.
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There is danger of domestic violence – Safety must come first, and discernment therapy is not appropriate in abusive relationships.
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Both partners are fully committed to working on the marriage – If both want to repair the relationship, traditional couples therapy is the better choice.
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One partner is unwilling to engage – If a spouse refuses to reflect or participate meaningfully, the process won’t be productive.
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The primary goal is to ‘fix’ the other person – Discernment therapy is about understanding the relationship, not placing blame or forcing change.
Frequently Asked Questions about Discernment Counseling
What is your fee for Discernment Counseling? My fee is $750 for a 2-hour discernment counseling session.
Will you bill my insurance? I am not in network with an insurance carries. I can provide you with a monthly special receipt called a "superbill" for you to submit to your insurance company. Your superbill will contain the code Z63.0 - Problems in Primary Relationship. Please note, not all insurance companies reimburse for discernment or couples therapy.
What if one of us has already decided to leave? If one partner has fully made up their mind to leave, discernment counseling may not be helpful. Instead, mediation or a therapist specializing in separation might be a better fit.
How is Discernment Counseling different from Couples Therapy? Unlike traditional couples therapy, which focuses on improving the relationship, discernment counseling focuses on helping partners decide if they want to work on the relationship in the first place.
Can discernment counseling help us stay together? It’s not designed to fix relationship problems but rather to help couples determine if they are willing to work on the relationship. If both partners choose to commit to rebuilding, they can transition into couples therapy.
Is it judgmental? No, discernment counseling is a non-judgmental process. The goal is to understand each person’s perspective and offer clarity, not push a specific outcome.
What if we decide to separate? If separation is the decision, discernment counseling can help partners navigate the process with greater understanding and respect, reducing unnecessary conflict.
What if we still feel unsure after five sessions? Discernment counseling is designed to be a short-term process, with a five-session limit to create a balance between urgency and thoughtful reflection. About 12% of couples choose to maintain the status quo afterward, which is completely valid. If you're still uncertain, there’s no need to rush—taking more time to process is always an option.
How to Get to Quincy, MA: Driving Directions from Various Locations
From Boston, MA:
Take I-93 South for about 10 miles. Take Exit 7 toward Quincy and follow signs for your specific destination.
From Worcester, MA:
Take I-90 East (Mass Pike) to I-95 South. Merge onto I-93 North and take Exit 7 to Quincy.
From Providence, RI:
Take I-95 North to I-93 North. Follow I-93 to Exit 7 for Quincy.
From Cape Cod:
Take US-6 West to MA-3 North. Merge onto I-93 North and take Exit 7 into Quincy.
Quincy is easily accessible by major highways, making for a smooth drive from many locations in New England.
Self-Care Options in Quincy, MA
Christine's Day Spa & Electrology
Located at 65 Willard St, Christine's Day Spa provides services such as therapeutic massages, skin and body care, waxing, and steam room access.
An Japanese Spa
At An Japanese Spa, you can enjoy various massage therapies, head treatments, and scalp care designed to relax your body and mind.
Elevate Wellness
Serving the Quincy and South Shore communities, Elevate Wellness offers chiropractic care, massage therapy, nutritional guidance, acupuncture, and infrared sauna services.
The Spa at Boncaldo's
The Spa at Boncaldo's features therapeutic massages, skin and body treatments, waxing services, and a steam room for a comprehensive spa experience.
Body Escape Spa & Salon
Located at 316 Safford Street, Body Escape Spa & Salon offers a serene environment with services like Thai massages, facials, and other wellness treatments.
Squantum Point Park
For outdoor relaxation, Squantum Point Park provides scenic views of the Boston skyline, opportunities for picnicking, bird watching, and walking trails.
These venues in Quincy, MA, cater to various self-care needs, ensuring you can find the perfect spot to relax and rejuvenate.